Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Wobblying big time!!!!

Here I am in the fabulous dress shop, wobblying. Tonight I should have been on the flight to Spain to my beautiful island and instead I am here in Lima and now am about to embark on some wild adventure to the jungle for more healing. There is a part of me that is sooooo over all this and today talking with a Medical Intuitive from the States I know things are serious. I have tried so hard to dance between the shadows and the light and right now that old familiar feeling of mental panic and rubbish is trying to spoil what my heart is saying so clearly and lovingly to me. So in order to keep it quiet I went and bought some jungle dresses. Well what else was I supposed to do? And darling Jane has gifted me with a hair cut in a fabulous salon. So even though I shall have to deal with snakes and mosquitoes not to mention the vomiting, and wild spirit trips, I shall look wonderful in my new dresses and fab hair cut!! 

Yes I am being  light and ok superficial but it has been a heavy day with magic bits within it, as always. It all feels so surreal and everything is unfolding in such a way that blows me away. Even the travel agency is returning my money to my account so I now have no ticket and no idea what is happening to me! I feel a little isolated here in Lima away from all my friends and support group and writing this is gently easing away the doubts that keep surfacing. Saying goodbye to Jane after a large cafe con leche, was actually lovely knowing I can call her when I need to and she me. And I know we will be meeting in a few months hopefully at the beach or maybe again in the casino!! God, I am so so lucky to have such beautiful friends and so much love and I just have to keep strong as I prepare for this journey and flow with the wobbles when they arrive.

And I should stop being such a frigging wimp as I am being accompanied down to the jungle with a beautiful new friend I have made, who is a Doctor and is being a light beam of love and support to me. So really, I have so much to be blessed about and as I write these words I now at last am feeling calm, centered and clear. So forgive me for this wobble and thank you for reading it and undersanding it. We all have wobbles and I know and you know that it is our minds who play tricks with us and never our hearts. So I shall now go and walk in the Olive Park, take some time to connect with nature and find that inner stillness inside, which today kind of disappeared.
Have a sweet evening wherever you all are.
With Love Emilyx

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

God is in casinos!!!

Here I am in Kerry's shop after a magical day with Jane. She is visitng from Lima and at last we were able to have time to talk, laugh, drink a beer and have a wonderful lunch. Our six months of dealing with the heaviness of living and dying with cancer we put behind us and decided that whenever we next meet it will be somewhere fabulous and we will not mention a word of what is happening to me. I told her of my trip to the jungle and she supported this wild decision that seems to be coming from a place that I truly do not understand. All I can do is trust it, so as we were passing the white, frothy, Lima casino I decided to put God to the test!!!

I had this wild feeling that if we went inside we would win!! Just so you do not think I am some gambling addict I have only been in a casino once before in my entire life. We wandered around all the machines searching for one that "spoke" to us and I spied one called,  Jungle Two. This was my test for God, if we won on this machine then fabulous things will happen to me in the jungle. So we put in around five dollars in Peruvian money and watched as the parrots screeched, the Mayan temples exploded with light and the shamans beat their dreams. Jane, who is way more of a gambler than me kept pressing some number that made us win more money and after twenty minutes we walked out with around 80 dollars which for Peru is a fortune!! I now know without a shadow of doubt, my wild jungle trip will change my life and the lives of others in ways I cannot even begin to imagine!! So if you need to check out your faith in the Universe then I definitely suggest you visit the Casino too!! It's great, well it's definitely fun when you win!! and way more fun than polishing your chakras!

So hurray, the fear is subsiding gently and the old, buried adventurer part of me is gently bubbling away. It feels so hard  sometimes to reconnect with a part of myself that has hidden away for so long now,  lost under a mass of fears, and pain and oh such dark thoughts and now I see almost a rebirth of myself and I feel so overwhelmingly grateful. It's like drinking a wonderful glass of champagne and  feeling the bubbles tickle your nose!! And today, spending time with  my dear soul sister who has given so generously to me during the hardest time of my life brings tears of gratitude to my eyes. Thank you Jane. I hope you read this and I hope you realise how much I love you. I was a true cancer bitch in her home, the dark side of fear showing its ugly face but that was part of my journey and I know is part of everyone's journey who has to walk the terror of this unpredictable dis-dease. So I hope all the angels will now help me to create a healing  magical space, somewhere on this delicious planet so that with a team of people, filled with love and integrity we can, in our unique way help a few souls who have to walk the dark path of healing until they find their light.

So if our moment at the casino was anything to go by then who knows what will happen next!! So I suggest when you can, shoot off to your casino, have a beer, trust and watch the money pour from the slot!! Go on, you have nothing to lose for God is everywhere even in Casinos hanging out with us!!!!
Have a great evening, until tomorrow!

Monday, February 27, 2012


I am sitting in wonderment in Kerry's  beautiful shop as my life seems to have, yet again, turned upside down and inside out. Despite this, the deep rooted feeling is that I am doing the right thing for me, only to others it may appear completly wild. I am changing my ticket from flying back to Spain this Wednesday and instead staying here in Lima to meet supposedly, the two best Shamans  in the whole of South America. All is being organised in such a graceful, beautiful way that I can only follow with surprise and gratitude.

What have I to lose by this decision? Nothing. I know it is going to lead me to the jungle where something awaits me and I have no idea what but I know that this journey will change not only my life but the lives of many others and yet I cannot begin to tell you how for I have no idea!! I walk with peace in my heart and deep trust having gone through a few days of agony talking with Kerry until now it feels the most perfect decision in the world.

A friend of mine who, when he was 92, on being asked by me what he felt was one of the most important things he had learnt in life replied, "It is the things you don't do that you regret, not the things that you do". I love that advice and have tried to follow it wherever I can.This is one of those crossroads moments, if I get on the plane and turn my back on this extraordinary opportunity that is being given to me with such love I would not be at peace with myself. This has been a gentle, spiritual, plant based walk for over five years, I have grown so much and I am not the same woman I was before so I have to honor this, no matter how scary it might be. Last night, when a mosquito was buzzing over me, I thought, "Oh God not the jungle!" I hate mosquitoes and the last time I was there, living for two months with the Shipivo Indians, I was bitten  alive every day. Well I suppose it was good that I was bitten alive and not dead! 

So I shall tell you something... I intend to enjoy every moment of luxury in Kerry's fabulous shop and all the wonderful things here in Lima, cos I have a very funny feeling this is all going to change so fast and it will be back to snakes and mosquitos and a diet of fish and rice and no chocolate and red wine and deep cermonies and everything I still feel so deeply in the photo album of my memory. Only this time I shall  create a true adventure and something wonderous will come from this, of that I am sure. And even if it is be death then that too is kind of wonderous..... to explode to the light, consciously and lovingly.... but actually I have a feeling I am to remain down here for a lot longer. Maybe this is only the beginning!! Watch this blog and you will find out!!

And one other thing the words you all send to me touch my heart so deeply. Your support, especially from total strangers, is just incredible and I feel so grateful to all of you for following my wild journey with such  acceptance. I can assure you, somewhere and somehow, it is not just about me but it might soon be  able to help so many others who are in pain and suffering to find different choices for their own healing path. This is my intention and so I shall just have to see if it unfolds. 

So now it is back to pretty dresses and lunch. Have a beautiful afternoon and promise me you will go and do something wild and magical. If you do, I know you will never regret it!!
With love to you all!!!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Having fun in Lima!

Here I am in Lima enjoying the beauty, warmth and sunshine after my six months in Cusco. I am sorry I have not been writing my blog but truly, life as always, is super intense. It is so, as I gently  balance the dance between living and dying. My physical body is super fragile but my spirit and joy is flying more and more with every step I take, and I am full of gratitude for this wild camino that I am walking.

For the past few day, here in Lima, I have been playing princesses with my darling friend Kerry in her chic designer dress shop. To sit amidst the gorgeous colours of her clothes, spray myself in her exotic French perfumes and try on her fabulous designer shoes is total joy! Every woman should have the chance to play in a gorgeous dress shop, it is wonderful healing therapy!! I don't need to buy anything for I have everthing I want and to be perfectly honest I can't buy a new healthy breast so anything else pales into insignificance! Kerry's shop is called Anais Nin after the famous Frech writer and her philosophy is based on the words of Ninn who said, "Luxury is not a necessity to me, but beautiful and good things are". I whole heartedly agree with this for I feel that beauty feeds the soul and without beauty we feel sad and disconnected. Everything in nature is just radiating a beauty that so often is beyond words, think of a flower - no words can ever really do justice to its beauty. So wherever you are this weekend, make sure you go and see something that fills your soul with beauty and you will feel radiant no matter what your mood!

That seems a perfect thought to end this blog for now and Monday I shall write again. I am thinking of returning here in a few months as I have just  heard of an amazing Shaman who might be able to finally heal my bleeding breast. And if he can't, then life goes on in its magical way until I have to leave. The time here in Peru has filled my soul with such peace and acceptance and I feel fearless and full of courage to embark on the next stage of this wild, wild path and intend to continue to laugh and have fun right until my very last breath!! 

So have a great weekend wherever you are and I shall tell you about mine on Monday!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

The Violin.

Well it has been over one week since I have sat in the pink room to write to you. And it has been a week full of adventures, growth, stuff, life and death. So what´s new?!!! 

Quote of the week for me is "none of us get out of here alive" which I think is a great thing to remember. And the other part of it is  "there is no such thing as death"!! So there we have the divine dichotomy which seems to be part of my every day existence until I fly to Ibiza and can switch off and go swimming every day and forget about all this intense healing stuff! Am I sick of it or what!!!

So the challenge of the week, after the most magical time in the sacred valley, was a new friend thought he was possibly dying and I accompanied him, for at least at least ten hours and more, through the labyrinth of clinics, poor hospitals, ambulances, cat scan x rays etc etc. Now I am the worst person on the entire planet to go through this as I loathe hospitals, machines, the smells of disinfectant everything and yet we laughed, read poetry, talked about death and dying and it was most the most uplifting, wild time ever. We ended up in a fabulous hotel for one night to celebrate life as the doctors had found nothing wrong with him despite the most severe symptoms so he possibly created all this with his mind, we shall see. Meanwhile I am back in Cusco, at last with a credit card and now planning my ticket back to Europe, hurray! I am so ready to leave but I have a feeling I am to be challenged until the very last moment.

I don´t feel like writing more just now as this truly has been one of the most intense few days of my time here but I want to leave you with the words of the most magical poet I have ever encountered, Hafiz, a Persian mystical poet whose book "The Gift" is truly sublime. It was this book that John and I read to each other during our challenging time together. If you have never come across this poet then I suggest you order "The Gift", might be one of the most beautiful gifts you will give yourself!! It was so hard to choose which poem to quote from but I finally decided on this one, called The Violin which is exquisite and sums up so beautifully the road of healing.
                                                             The Violin
                                           the violin can forgive the past
                                           it starts singing.

                                           When the violin can stop
                                           worrying about the future

                                           You will become
                                           such a drunk laughing nuisance

                                           that God
                                           will then lead down
                                           and start combing you
                                           into his hair.

                                            When the violin can forgive
                                            every wound caused by 

                                            the heart starts

I don´t know about you but I find these words utterly magical and I would love to hear your comments if you a moment to write to me!!!
Have a beautiful day wherever you are. Love x

Thursday, February 2, 2012

a near brush with death!!

Typical, I am in rush to leave to go away for a few days and have written this blog once and it has disappeared. If it goes again that´s it! I have not packed, am totally disorganised but felt i wanted to write this before I left as yesterday the computer was not working. So in the ever dramatic scenario of life in Cusco, not only are we dealing with death, cancer, stolen credit card but now a possible earthquake!! The night before found Jane me and Jack in the bathroom with blankets and pillows, food supplies as we contemplated what we should exactly do. We have woke up with the most horrendous bang and a blast of energy through us, looking on the internet we discovered there had been a huge earth tremor about an hour away with the effect reaching us. A moment yet again of facing the dark reaper!! Jack was terrified and Jane and I icy calm, she going for a cigarette, she is trying to give up and me a chocolate soya milk with a very large dash of rum. We decided if this was the end of life as we knew it we would do it in style. Anyway after an hour or so of dithering and waiting for the next blast of whatever we returned to bed to live anther day!!
So now I am off to the valley and will not be writing for a few days. And no time to mess with photos either!! So have a great few days wherever you are and thank you Tristan for the most beautiful comment on this wild blog. Right now there seems to be no time at all to think about dying as the living is taking up all my thoughts and energy!!! Which has to be a good thing, no?!
So I shall now press the publish button and hope this gets where it is meant to go!!